Express yourself

It Monday and for me that means it's time for the, Express yourself meme, check out others post here.

This weeks question: Is there anything  you'd like to change, or work on, about yourself, this year?

I've actually been thinking about changes a lot lately because, well to be honest, there are a lot of changes I need to make. 

The first of these is health related. When I had my son 7 years ago, it was decided that an epidural was needed, due to a very long labour that had left me exhausted. The epidural seemed to go well at first and was certainly a relief as it enabled me to get a little rest before the pushing began; however, a few days after the epidural I started to get sharp shooting pains, in my back at the site where the needle was injected. Over the years this pain worsened and I also started to get chronic back pain from just standing and walking. My mobility is now limited to walking very short distance, one room to another and I have to have chairs placed around the house to give me places where I can stop for a break when needed. 

I always had issues with weight even before the epidural. So much so, that as a teenager, bulimia left me so weak I ended up with double pneumonia and nearly died. Food was my constant enemy. An abusive childhood saw me, when possible, turning to food for comfort, then putting on weight and feeling ashamed and disgusted with myself. The result of which was my need to purge, which was achieved by forcing myself to be sick. 

My weight has been up and down for years but after having my son, it went up and up, until I reached a massive 38 stone,(532 pounds for my American friends) naturally my disability added to this. Having limited mobility and feeling sorry for myself because of that fact. I grew wider and wider. 

Then I decided to do something about it and lost 8 stone (112 pounds) relatively quickly. Taking me down to 30 stone (420 pounds). Then a difficult period in my life, saw me full back into bad habits again and the diet went out the window. 

I did get back to dieting again and managed to get down to 28 stone 2 pounds (394 pounds) and then fell off my diet again recently for several months due to some difficult times before Christmas.

By some miracle dispite no holds barred, binging, over that period, I have only gained 3 pounds and am now 28 stone 5 pounds (397 pounds.) but I am determined to get the weight down for good in the hopes that it will help ease the pressure on my poor back. So the bigest change I want to make this year is to lose the weight. I know I can do it, the right way now, the first eight stone I lost shows that. I also know it is going to be hard and that it won't happen over night. I certainly didn't get this big overnight to begin with. 

You know this is the first time I have ever openly come out and admitted my weight in this way! It's very scary but being honest about it is the first step in shedding it. 

Now according to the body mass index, for my height of 5ft8, I should weigh between  9 and 11 stone (126lbs to 154lbs.) That means I have to loss between 17 to 19 stone (238 to 266 pounds) yikes! I definitely have a fairly large battle ahead.

As I write this I wonder how many of you who read this will cringe with disgust. I don't blame you if you do. What I have done to my body is disgusting and that brings me to a question I have been being asked a lot lately. Why don't I just go to the NHS and get weight loss surgery? I want to cover this here, so it doesn't come up in the comments. 

I've thought about that option, of course I have. After all it does seem like an easier option; however, the NHS is funded by tax payers money. When people pay those taxes, I am sure the last thing they hope it will go towards, is an operation for a fat person and I don't blame them for that. No doubt their first thought is their own family. Secondly they might consider poorly children, cancer patience, or others who are sick through no fault of their own. 

The way I see it, my weight is my fault. Thus I am responsible for shedding it. That's not to say I think people who have the operation on the NHS are bad, I don't. In fact my sister in law had it last year and has lost massive amounts of weight because of it, as well as a lot of hard work on her part and it does take work, even when you have the op, because you do still need to eat healthily and exercise. 

But for me personally it is not a route I feel happy to take. I did this to myself and I need to undo it myself. On top of that, with my lack of mobility, I dred to think how much loose skin would be left behind, if I lost the weight as fast as you can, after the op. 

Loose skin is hardly anymore attractive than the fat. I hope to minimise that, if not irradiate it completely, by doing this the natural way. With healthy eating and whatever exercise I can manage. 

So that's change one, fight the flab.

                       

Change 2: be more productive. 

As a writer working from home it is so easy to get distracted by TV, books, movies, social networking sites and games and I do get distracted easily. I want to get into the routine of writing every weekday morning for at least an hour if not longer. 

My dream is to be a well know author and I won't achieve that if I don't get to work and stop procrastinating. 

                                 

Change 3: cut back on the smoking. 

Yet another bad habit that needs kicking. Trying to do that while dieting is never going to work but if I can cut back, then hopefully once I have lost the weight, kicking the cigs will be all the more easy. 

I'm doing this with the help of e cigs. Without nicotine in them and it's going okay so far. No promises on that one though what with the dieting lol.

Change 4: get past my anxieties and get out. 

I am so afraid to use my wheelchair in public that I stay in the car when ever I go out with my family, reading my book, while they go in the shop. 

It is horrible sitting there wishing I was with them but being to afraid to change it. 

People are cruel when you are fat, even more so when you are fat and disabled. The looks you get from complete strangers, because you are big and in a wheelchair crushes your self worth. 

It's destroyed mine. 

But I need to stop worrying what others think, because it is stopping me and my family from enjoying life, in the ways a normal family might. 

I'm not anywhere close to being confident enough to use the wheelchair in public, but last night I took a step towards being a little more mobile when I can't take my mobility scooter, and purchased some crutches. 

The hope is, that by using them when them I can take some pressure off my back. They will also give me something to lean on, when the pain gets to much and my legs start to turn to jelly.

Fingers crossed they help, if only a little.

So that's some of the changes I want to make this year. What about you? 

Love and hugs Joss xx

( ps. Being honest about my weight here was incredibly hard. So please try to be gentle with your words, should you wish to leave a comment. Thank you.)