Child abuse

Before I begin this post, I just want to apologize for a lack of content the last few weeks. As you may know we have been having some pretty terrible storms here in the UK recently and that's been keeping me distracted with other things.

My family and I are all fine. The weather thankfully has not really effected us to badly other than the wind doing a good job attacking our garage and knocking everything off the shelves.

For those in Cornwall and the rest of the west country that have been effected badly, I hope you are okay and that your family are well. I cannot begin to imagine the stress and devastation this terrible weather has brought to your lives and I hope that you are able to get back home and back to normality quickly and without to much further stress.

So today I want to talk to you all about Child abuse. While I was doing some research today for my current WIP (work in progress) I was brought to tears by some of the statistics that I read on the NSPCC website.

I'm going to share them with you here, but you can also view them by clicking the link on the line above.

• Police recorded over 23,000 sex offences against children aged under 18 years in England and Wales between April 2012 and March 2013.¹
• More than one in three children (34 per cent) who experienced contact sexual abuse by an adult did not tell anyone else about it.
  
  Four out of five children (82.7 per cent) who experienced contact sexual abuse from a peer did not tell anyone else about it.²
• In 2012/13, ChildLine counsellors dealt with 1.4 million contacts from children about various problems including, bullying, sexual abuse, violence and mental health issues.³
• On average, every week in the UK at least one child is killed at the hands of another person.⁴

 The above was copied directly from their website. First of all, I want to look at the last line. On average every week in the UK at least one child is killed at the hands of another person. 

One child almost every week. I don't know about you, but I had no idea. Why don't these children make it into the papers? Why aren't people yelling and screaming on their behalf? What? Are they not young enough? Cute enough? Were they trouble makers? Who knows, but how can we just ignore something like that? 

Childline counsellors dealt with 1.4 million contacts from children about various problems, including Bullying, sexual abuse, violence and mental health issues, in 2012/2013. 

Now if you don't know what Childline is you should. Childline is an organization here in the UK designed to help children who are struggling to have someone they can call for free, for advice, support, or just someone to listen. 

Childline was a massive support to me when I was a child and suffering abuse. When things got unbearable at home, it was Childline I called but like me, the majority of children who call Childline, probably withhold personal information because they are afraid of what might happen.

Imagine what those counsellors go through on a daily basis. Imagine having a child on the end of the phone, scared, injured, and in desperate need of help and being able to do nothing more than talk to them. It must be heartbreaking work and yet there are people out there doing that everyday. Amazing people who just for a short time, give a child reassurance because that's what they did for me. When no one would listen, when I felt completely alone and abandoned. A counsellor at Childline would give me reassurance that at least someone was on my side, that someone was willing to listen and not only listen but believe what I was going through. 

I was beaten up on a regular basis by my mothers partner, while my mother turned a blind eye to it. When I tried to tell her, I was accused of being a liar, even when she walked in and saw him throw me across the room with her own eyes, she refused to believe me, when I said that it was not the first time. 

years later when that same man, punched me in the face in front of her and tried to strangle me unprovoked, she still refused to acknowledge the fact that it had been happening for years and I believed her. I believed she had no idea what that man was doing to me. 

Until recently, for the first time in a long time my mother admitted the truth, came right out and said "I knew he was abusing you." You wanna know the best part. Despite saying she knew several times, despite telling me that she didn't know how I could still talk to her after all that she had allowed to happen to me. Despite all of that my mother turned around after a few weeks and started to deny it all again. 

All my life I had waited and longed for my mum to just say sorry and then she did only to take it all back again. 

Well there are children out there now, going through what I went through and worse. Children living everyday in fear and yet for the most part it just gets swept under the rug. 

People don't want to deal with the reality of what is happening out there on a daily basis to children. 

That on average one child dies in the UK every week. 

Don't tell me that no one knows, that no one see's the signs because I lived that life of abuse, people do see, neighbours, family friends, other family members, teachers even. People see but they say nothing. 

Here's a question for you, would it even do any good to say something? 

Look at Daniel Pelka. 

Look at this Beautiful little boy. Just 4 years old and he was tortured and eventually beaten to death by his own mother and I believe one of her partners. 

Teachers, doctors, police and social workers all were aware of this child and yet he was left there to suffer alone and eventually, to lose his life. This little boy looks very similar to my son, to hundreds of other little boys out there and he did nothing to deserve the life he was given and yet those who could of and should have helped him, did nothing.  You can read more about this poor boy here

But Daniel is not alone. 

Jack Harrison, just a baby. Was admitted to hospital showing serious signs of neglect, then released with no plan for his future care. When he died he had fractures to his arms, legs and ribs. What kind of monster could do that to a baby?

I could go on listing children like this all day, but instead I'm going to send you to another website where there is an extensive and heartbreaking list of beautiful little children, who have lost their lives, when they could have been saved. 

click here if you can bare it.  

Then what happens if the child is taken into care, do they get a happy ever after. Sometimes perhaps but not always, abuse within the poorly named care system is know to happen and on a regular basis. 

The NSPCC statistics go on to say that: 

• Police forces in England and Wales recorded over 28,000 cases of children running away from care in 2012.¹²

Now of course not all of them will be due to abuse, but some are and even so there is something seriously wrong within the care system if the children are running from it. So what? lack of supervision, lack of support, maybe even just a desperate longing for home, because despite what my mum let me go though as a child, I still loved her, I still do despite it all. 

Even in the knowledge that my abuser is still such a good friend of hers that she allows him to dog set for her. 

Child abuse is one of the worst things that can happen to a person, something needs to be done to stop it and stop it now. Abusers and people who allow their children to be abused need to be outed because right now it is far to easy for people to get away with it. 

well that's all from me, 

love and hugs Joss xxx

Express yourself

It Monday and for me that means it's time for the, Express yourself meme, check out others post here.

This weeks question: Is there anything  you'd like to change, or work on, about yourself, this year?

I've actually been thinking about changes a lot lately because, well to be honest, there are a lot of changes I need to make. 

The first of these is health related. When I had my son 7 years ago, it was decided that an epidural was needed, due to a very long labour that had left me exhausted. The epidural seemed to go well at first and was certainly a relief as it enabled me to get a little rest before the pushing began; however, a few days after the epidural I started to get sharp shooting pains, in my back at the site where the needle was injected. Over the years this pain worsened and I also started to get chronic back pain from just standing and walking. My mobility is now limited to walking very short distance, one room to another and I have to have chairs placed around the house to give me places where I can stop for a break when needed. 

I always had issues with weight even before the epidural. So much so, that as a teenager, bulimia left me so weak I ended up with double pneumonia and nearly died. Food was my constant enemy. An abusive childhood saw me, when possible, turning to food for comfort, then putting on weight and feeling ashamed and disgusted with myself. The result of which was my need to purge, which was achieved by forcing myself to be sick. 

My weight has been up and down for years but after having my son, it went up and up, until I reached a massive 38 stone,(532 pounds for my American friends) naturally my disability added to this. Having limited mobility and feeling sorry for myself because of that fact. I grew wider and wider. 

Then I decided to do something about it and lost 8 stone (112 pounds) relatively quickly. Taking me down to 30 stone (420 pounds). Then a difficult period in my life, saw me full back into bad habits again and the diet went out the window. 

I did get back to dieting again and managed to get down to 28 stone 2 pounds (394 pounds) and then fell off my diet again recently for several months due to some difficult times before Christmas.

By some miracle dispite no holds barred, binging, over that period, I have only gained 3 pounds and am now 28 stone 5 pounds (397 pounds.) but I am determined to get the weight down for good in the hopes that it will help ease the pressure on my poor back. So the bigest change I want to make this year is to lose the weight. I know I can do it, the right way now, the first eight stone I lost shows that. I also know it is going to be hard and that it won't happen over night. I certainly didn't get this big overnight to begin with. 

You know this is the first time I have ever openly come out and admitted my weight in this way! It's very scary but being honest about it is the first step in shedding it. 

Now according to the body mass index, for my height of 5ft8, I should weigh between  9 and 11 stone (126lbs to 154lbs.) That means I have to loss between 17 to 19 stone (238 to 266 pounds) yikes! I definitely have a fairly large battle ahead.

As I write this I wonder how many of you who read this will cringe with disgust. I don't blame you if you do. What I have done to my body is disgusting and that brings me to a question I have been being asked a lot lately. Why don't I just go to the NHS and get weight loss surgery? I want to cover this here, so it doesn't come up in the comments. 

I've thought about that option, of course I have. After all it does seem like an easier option; however, the NHS is funded by tax payers money. When people pay those taxes, I am sure the last thing they hope it will go towards, is an operation for a fat person and I don't blame them for that. No doubt their first thought is their own family. Secondly they might consider poorly children, cancer patience, or others who are sick through no fault of their own. 

The way I see it, my weight is my fault. Thus I am responsible for shedding it. That's not to say I think people who have the operation on the NHS are bad, I don't. In fact my sister in law had it last year and has lost massive amounts of weight because of it, as well as a lot of hard work on her part and it does take work, even when you have the op, because you do still need to eat healthily and exercise. 

But for me personally it is not a route I feel happy to take. I did this to myself and I need to undo it myself. On top of that, with my lack of mobility, I dred to think how much loose skin would be left behind, if I lost the weight as fast as you can, after the op. 

Loose skin is hardly anymore attractive than the fat. I hope to minimise that, if not irradiate it completely, by doing this the natural way. With healthy eating and whatever exercise I can manage. 

So that's change one, fight the flab.

                       

Change 2: be more productive. 

As a writer working from home it is so easy to get distracted by TV, books, movies, social networking sites and games and I do get distracted easily. I want to get into the routine of writing every weekday morning for at least an hour if not longer. 

My dream is to be a well know author and I won't achieve that if I don't get to work and stop procrastinating. 

                                 

Change 3: cut back on the smoking. 

Yet another bad habit that needs kicking. Trying to do that while dieting is never going to work but if I can cut back, then hopefully once I have lost the weight, kicking the cigs will be all the more easy. 

I'm doing this with the help of e cigs. Without nicotine in them and it's going okay so far. No promises on that one though what with the dieting lol.

Change 4: get past my anxieties and get out. 

I am so afraid to use my wheelchair in public that I stay in the car when ever I go out with my family, reading my book, while they go in the shop. 

It is horrible sitting there wishing I was with them but being to afraid to change it. 

People are cruel when you are fat, even more so when you are fat and disabled. The looks you get from complete strangers, because you are big and in a wheelchair crushes your self worth. 

It's destroyed mine. 

But I need to stop worrying what others think, because it is stopping me and my family from enjoying life, in the ways a normal family might. 

I'm not anywhere close to being confident enough to use the wheelchair in public, but last night I took a step towards being a little more mobile when I can't take my mobility scooter, and purchased some crutches. 

The hope is, that by using them when them I can take some pressure off my back. They will also give me something to lean on, when the pain gets to much and my legs start to turn to jelly.

Fingers crossed they help, if only a little.

So that's some of the changes I want to make this year. What about you? 

Love and hugs Joss xx

( ps. Being honest about my weight here was incredibly hard. So please try to be gentle with your words, should you wish to leave a comment. Thank you.) 

                      

Changes!

So my New Year intent was to be more productive and give more time to my family.

The writing is going better than it was but still not as well as I would like. I really need to stop letting other things distract me so much, but it can be really hard to stay focused at times.

Blogging has been the largest area of neglect, so I really need to fix that. I've just really been struggling for ideas of late, as to what I should blog about. That's never a good thing. I will try harder :) 

Spending more time focused on my family is going much better. I've been making a lot of Apple crumble and plan to knock up an apple and blackberry crumble later, so pics will be added of that. The crumble is so simple to make. So, it's a really easy way to make my boys happy, without causing me to much discomfort with my back. Plus it's doing something nice for them to show them that they matter to me. :) I've also just spent more time in general, having a laugh with them and playing games.

The iPad my hubby got me for Christmas is proving a real blessing  as sometimes sitting up, typing long posts or working on my novels with my laptop can leave me pretty sore, due to my back problems. With the iPad it's very easy to write in a more comfortable place.

I've also started my diet again it began yesterday evening with a healthy salad which was actually very tasty. 

And I was not even slightly jealous when CJ sent me a snap of his very scrummy looking dinner. Please note I did ask him to do so, as I was intrigued to see what this Mexican food he is always going on about, actually looked like. We don't have it in the wilds of rural Cornwall, at least not to my knowledge at any rate. 

As I can't eat this stuff myself now I may have to live vicariously through others. So if you want to leave a descriptive piece of writing in the comments, describing the deliriously Delilicious and oh so calorific meal you had. Please feel free, so that in reading it, I can imagine myself there munching in your place lol.

I have a serious junk food addiction. In the past, when I completely cut out the junk and beat the cravings for it, I enjoyed a weight loss of 8 stone. I believe that's around 100 pounds for the Americans out there but I may be wrong! 

My ideal weight would be 8 stone, so I have a lot to lose. 

I know for someone 5ft8 tall that is probably far to low, but it is the number I have in my head right now. Perhaps before I reach 8, assuming I succeed of course, I will feel that going to 8 stone is not actually a good idea or needed but right now my head is screaming for 8 so we shall see. 

I've had a lot of people ask me why I am choosing to diet the normal way given my current size. They all assume because I am so big that I would just go and get an op to make life easier. 

I know this is going to a hard thing to do and a long, long journey but, I do not see why tax payers should have to pay for my mistakes. That's not to say that people who choose to have a weight loss operation are wrong to do so. They have their reasons I am sure and losing weight is not easy. I just can't justify making others pay for my own stupidity. Plus how much better will I feel about myself if I am able to achieve this on my own. 

If I can do that then surely I can do anything!

Here's hoping I can pull it off and that in doing so it take some of the strain of my poor back. 

So that's what is going on with me right now. What are you guys and girls up to? 

 Loved and hugs 

Joss xxxx 

Risks in the rain.

Yesterday, lunchtime, my husband and I set out from our home to head down to Redruth at the bottom end of Cornwall, where our son had spent the weekend with his Granny and his Aunt Lisa. The weather wasn't too bad when we first set off and we even stopped, not far from home, to grab some lunch from the local Subway. Mmmmm melts!

When we were  about half-way between Launston and Redruth the weather took a nasty turn. The rain was falling heavy and fast, visibility became very poor, and everyone slowed down in order to stay safe in the poor conditions; everyone bar one man in a black estate car. 

We'd hit a part of the A30 that goes into single lanes and had been plodding along slowly with the other traffic for sometime, when out of nowhere, this black estate car shoots in front of us, narrowly missing oncoming traffic and forcing Dan to break hard.

I don't know if the guy was insane or in a wild rage....

...but, nearly being hit once by oncoming traffic didn't seem to be enough for him, as he repeatedly attempted to pull out, over and over again, swirving back in every time and riding on the driver in front's tail all the way.

Dan and I were mortified. Not only was this guy putting himself at risk, but everyone else around him. With the heavy rain the roads were incredibly wet and it was hard to see more than a few cars ahead, yet this guy was driving like a mad man. 

"He's asking for trouble," Dan said, "He's a crash waiting to happen." He added and I agreed.

We watched him shoot from behind the car in front, narrowly miss some more oncoming traffic and then ride on the tail of the next poor car ahead. 

Shooting past them after a few minutes and narrowly avoiding another head on collision. From that point on he was just red lights in the distance, still clearly on another car's tail and it remained this way till we came to a roundabout and the road opened up into a dual carriageway again. 

At the roundabout we caught up to him. He wasn't intending to wait long. That was very clear and we watched with horror, as he shot out again, when traffic was coming. By some miracle, he avoided an accident and Dan and I just sat there in complete shock. We've seen plenty of silly drivers in the past, but nothing like this guy. He seemed to have a serious death wish and to be honest, I was pretty happy that he was now speeding away from us and no longer putting us at risk along with himself.

We pulled away from the roundabout once it was safe and carried on our way. The rain had eased a little and visibility, although still not great, was a lot better than it had been. Rounding a corner, not far from the roundabout, we noticed cars slowing ahead then mud and trees across the road. 

"What the Hell?" I said, gazing around with confusion.
 

"The tree's have all come down off the bank." Dan said, but it wasn't that simple.

There was something big, up ahead, and cars were moving around it cautiously. As we got closer and the car in front moved over to squeeze beside the car, the reality hit. The black estate sat in the middle of the road, over the top of the white lines, facing us. It was completely trashed and you couldn't see inside for the smoke that had filled the car.

He had lost control on the wet road, mounted the bank, which was steep, traveled all the way to the top, taking out trees as he went, and somehow come back down and landed, facing the oncoming traffic. The car was a write-off, the driver, already pulled free and safely in the back of someone else's car.

He was incredibly lucky to survive the accident and it is a miracle he didn't take out anyone else with him; but, as far as we could see, no other cars were damaged. 

What possesses someone to drive in such a manner is beyond me, but I hope the accident he had is enough to make him think twice about behaving in such a manner in the future. He is incredibly lucky that he faired better than his poor car.

I don't want to be judgemental and assume he was just an ignorant fool; impatient, and in a hurry. I haven't walked in his shoes and I do not know his story. Perhaps something terrible happened and he was in a rage. We've all done or said something stupid when angry, after all; if not quite that stupid.

Perhaps he was a first time father and his wife was in labour and he was desperate to get there and see his child born, or maybe he was just an idiot who knows.

Either way, driving like that, in such terrible conditions was stupid and deadly. Anything could have happened and he could have killed himself and others. There is never a good excuse for risking peoples lives. Never anything so pressing. I just hope this guy has learned his lesson and is a lot more carefull in future.

Although I suspect he'll be minus a licence for a while now and rightly so.

I am just glad no one was seriously hurt and that my husband and I were safely behind him when his accident happened.

So have you ever witnessed something like this or been in an accident because of someone else's dangerous driving? I'd love to hear your stories of risky drivers.

Love and hugs Joss xx

The note by Angela Elwell Hunt.

                            

It is not often that I am deeply touched by a book in the way that I was the note. When I picked it up I really wasn't sure what to expect as it was one of my random long ago kindle purchases that I'd brought and forgot about.

The story begins with a plane crashing into the Tampa Bay, after problems cause it to burst into flames. In the crash of flight 848, all 261 passengers and crew are killed.

It is a tragedy of huge proportions and effects people from all over America who tragically lose their loved ones. 

But from the devastating tragedy a little ray of hope falls. In the form of a note, stuffed in a zipped lock bag, written by a father who in his last few moments of life wanted to some how try to reach out andreassure  the child he loved that he had not died still angry at them.

Jump to Peyton MacGruder, a journalist at risk of losing her regular column as the heart healer. Having spent a large portion of her life trying to bury her emotions Peyton is struggling to put feeling into her Column, a column that she took over from a woman who was an expert at expressing her feelings and giving a more open and honest view of herself to her readers.

Given a few weeks to fix sagging ratings Peyton cannot believe her luck when the note ins handed to her by one of her few remaining readers, who had found then note stuck to a post at the end of her garden.

Needless to say the story follows Peyton as she searched fro then rightful recipient of the letter with only the letter T to go on.

meet Angela Hunt the amazing author of The Note

She meets a lot of interesting characters along the way and their stories reached out and either tugged at my heart strings or made me want to murder them lol.

The book also succeeded in keeping me guessing and even earned a "you clever, clever woman," said alloud to the author when, a very clever twist came to play.

It is definitely a book about family relationship and forgiveness and though it is a woman of faith book you do not need to believe in God to enjoy it. Because religion is not thrust down your throat it is a very shuttle side note.

This book really spoke to me for a few reasons. I loved how clean and clear the story was, how well Angela builds her characters and gently guides you through there pain, emotions and character traits

They are damaged, yet beautifully people in their emotional complexity and they really helped bring the book to life for me because they were so belieavble. 

I also connected to the book because of my own troubled relationship with my parents. It made me question how I might feel if they died, given the huge void between us. I know my husband certainly struggled with his fathers death, especially given the nature of his death, because he felt angry that someone had not only taken his fathers life, but crushed Dan's hope that one day, his father would come looking for him, wanting to make amends for past mistakes. 

This book reminded me that life was fleeting and that we need to step up and try harder with the ones who love us. It is well worth a read and I am glad I picked it up at last.

Apparently others enjoyed this book too as it has now been turned into a film here's the trailer enjoy :) beware of spoilers. If you don't like them read it first then watch the trailer :)

So if you are looking for a heartwarming read, then this might be the book for you.

Love and hugs Joss xxx

The big off putter

I love reading people's blogs and friends Facebook posts, but lately I have seen an increasing trend in friends and bloggers using their social networking areas for shameless advertising. 

That's not to say all advertising is wrong. In moderation I think it is fine. Then occasional I liked a product so I want to tell you about it is not a problem, in fact it is a great way to find out about new fun tasty or entertaining items. Book reviews also are fine as I love discovering an awesome new book. Even if you get a product to try and love it and want to share that is fine in moderation. 

When it really irks me and if I am honest makes me sad, is when someone who once posted interesting and witty posts, stops doing this in favour of advertisement after advertisement. It feels as if they are selling their soul for a little extra money and you struggle to believe that they even like half of what they are posting up. 

When I go to a blog or read a Facebook post it's because I want to genuinely discover something about the people I follow, such as are they okay, how is life treating them, their exciting news and even the sad so I can offer a little support.

In short I want to know that, like me, they are human and not a senseless robot posting ad after ad. We all need to make money and I don't begrudge anyone trying to do that, but at least spread those ads out a little and fill the inbetween with some general info about yourself and your life.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I just being a grump lol.

Have a good day all.

Love and hugs Joss xxx 

Love = time

I've been thinking a lot lately about the importance of simply giving your time to the people you care about. Today, people can get so busy with life that taking the time to spend with loved ones can be difficult.

Even when we do have the time, we favour enduring ourselves and our own needs over those of the people we care about.

Christmas is a time, when many of us do give time to the ones we love; but, once Christmas passes, we go back to the same old routine of neglecting the ones we love.  

The result of this is clearly evident, when we look at high divorce rates these days. Very few people,  it seems, are prepared to put in the necessary work to sustain a marriage anymore.

I mention marriage specifically, due to a story that has been doing the rounds, all over the web, for sometime now. You may have read it already yourself, I know I have read it a few times, myself. Having read it again today, I was compelled to share it here on my blog. If you haven't read it, I hope you enjoy it and take something away from it. 

Before I share it; however, I just want to say this. In a world that can at times, seem so materialistic, remember, when you die, things won't notice your passing or morn you, things won't stand by your side, hold your hand and tell you they love you, and things are not worth nearly as much as the people around you. So, stop giving your time to things and instead give it to those you love, before it's too late, because you never know what tomorrow may bring. 

Love and hugs, Joss xxx 

Enjoy!

Marriage

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? 

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office… jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce –At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband…

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Author Unknown