exciting and scary, all at the same time

I am feeling, a very mixed bag of emotions at the moment. I am not the most brave person, in fact, I am a very un-brave person.

For me taking the plunge to publish, was incredibly hard. It's something that I have wanted, but which it has taken me years to pluck up the courage to do. my faith in myself was seriously lacking, I was certain that even if I tried to get a publisher I would be turned down left, right and centre, but that wasn't what happened.

I received one rejection from a publisher and one rejection from an agent. However, I received three acceptances. Every single one of those acceptances made me cry. I honestly had so little faith in myself that I didn't think I would get a single acceptance. But then I got three.

I have been so prepared for rejection, that the acceptances knocked me for six. Of course I had plenty of friends who believed in me, who said, that they knew I could do it, that my writing was amazing. But it's hard to believe friends, after all they are biased.

So when they say you're good, you think, well of course they're going to say that, after all isn't that what friends are for.

Even now, with my book published by a proper publisher I still feel as if it isn't good enough. I'd hoped, that getting a publisher would Cure me of my self-doubt, but it hasn't and so I am left with a very mixed bag of emotions right now. Part excitement, that I have finely achieved my dream and part fear, because what if now, that it is out there for all to read, they don't like it. 

I am a relatively realistic person and realise that not everyone will like what I write, something just aren't for some people, but there is always that fear, that maybe no one will like it, the reality is that my fears will not go away for sometime, certainly not to I have a lot more feed back on my novel and a lot of other opinions. 

However, despite the fear, I am glad that I decided to publish my book, to take the plunge risk it all and just go for it, because if I hadn't I would not have achieved my dream and would still be sat here biting my nails thinking, should I or shouldn't I. 

Sometime, I guess life is about taking risks and hoping they pay off and perhaps it is better to know either way, than to spend the rest of my life wondering what if. Time will tell I guess. 

love and hugs all, Joss xxx