My week in review.

    It's been another week in lockdown, other than taking the dogs out and popping down to pick up some bread off Dan, as he was working in the village this week, we have been stuck in doors. 

    But it's been tougher than normal. I don't seem to be able to settle to anything and just keep jumping from one activity to the next, feeling like I should be forcing myself to do stuff, but unable to actually do so. 

    I've had low periods before, but always been able to shake them after a day or two, but this is different I can't shift it and I'm starting to think I may have depression and I hate it. 

    It's been like this ever since the Gastro doctor told me that I would probably have to be on Chemo for the rest of my life and that even if I had the surgery, I would have to stay on the Chemo. And not just the one chemo drug either, oh no, they were adding in another as well. 

    It's so stupid, why am I getting low about it, I can't change it, this is my life now for the rest of my life. I have to accept it and embrace it. And learn to live with it. And that's something I am normally good at doing so why the hell can I not do it now? 

    I feel like a failure, like I am letting my family down, because I am not doing what I always do. Smiling and powering through, looking for the silver lining and doing the oh so British thing of keeping calm and carrying on. 

    I mean I've never been great at the keeping calm bit, I've battled anxiety for years, but I had the carrying on part down pat until now. 

    

    Physical health wise at the moment, I am not doing to bad. My nose is full of sores and very painful and likes to randomly bleed throughout the day, and where my fistula in my abdomen is I keep getting some weird almost like cramping or twisting feelings, but they don't last long. I normally just have to adjust my position slightly and it goes away. Even my hair seems to be coming out a little bit less. Except when I have a shower, then for some reason I get a lot come out. The headaches/migraines seem to have stopped too, which is nice. But I'm just so tired and have no energy all the time, but I think maybe that's the depression more than the Crohn's though I can't be completely sure. 

    My tummy is pretty noisy and I spend an awful lot of time going to the toilet to find, all that's coming out is some of the loudest and longest farts you have ever heard. Dan always says, "You don't have to go to the bathroom every time you need to fart." But I can't help it, I've always been so self conscious about farting. And it's not like even when I go to the bathroom they can't hear it, we live in a bungalow, and the bathrooms not that far from the living room, it's just that it feel like the polite thing to do. Especially as some of them right now, stink to high heaven. It's likes something crawled up their and died. 

 

    Kye's doing better though. He's been getting on with his school work well and all of it too. The forensic psychology, that we are both doing together, as well as his touch typing course and creative writing course, which he just started this week, although I've yet to go through and mark his work for the creative writing course. 

    We've watched some films together too. The new Santa's chronical, one I forget the name of, with dogs and robots, and a place called robot city or something, Adam's family and Hotel Transylvania 3, Kye loves those Hotel Transylvania movies. 

    As you've probably noticed if you read my blog regularly, I've not been getting as many books read as normal either. I just can't seem to stay focused on them at the moment. Which makes all this even harder, because normally books are my escape. 

    So yeah, that it really, sorry the week in review posts are all so dole and blah at the moment, but with me still being locked down, even though most people in Cornwall are currently getting to enjoy tier 1, and feeling pretty blah myself right now, it can't be helped.

    

    I hope you are all doing well though and fingers crossed I'll be able to pull myself out of this and back to normal before too much longer. 

Love and hugs all and remember to stay healthy, because trust me the alternative sucks!