Book thoughts: Say goodbye for now, by Catherine Ryan Hyde.

     It's the first day of the school holidays and Pete is off to the local lake to go fishing with his friend, when they come across an injured dog at the side of the road. Pete instantly feels compelled to help, but his friend does not, and so begins a journey that is about to change the lives of many. 

    Dr Lucy is a recluse, she keeps to herself, and has transferred her skills, into helping animals as well as people. She survives on an allowance from her ex, a little ingenuity and the odd, I'll ask no questions, so you tell no lies, patch up job, for those who've hurt themselves, doing the kind of Job, you don't want their to be records of. 

    Justin and Calvin are new to the neighbourhood. Calvin is working at the local plant in order to support his son, but this means, Justin has to keep himself occupied. When he see a boy pulling a little mini trailer with a rather large dog inside, his curiosity gets the better of him and they strike up a friendship in which the colour of Justin skin, becomes the catalyst for disaster. 

    On finishing this book, I just sat there for a moment, trying to process not only what I had read, but all the emotions that were flying around inside me. 

    The sadness and heartache faced by each of these characters, is devastating and I was so angry at a world that had made them have to suffer this way. 

    But of course we never learn. We continue to discriminate in different ways, never learning from the past, and atrocious crimes have been carried out all over the world, due simply to peoples differences. 

    In this book Catherine captures the horror and emotions behind these types of events perfectly and shows how much worse things were back in the 50's and 60's in America, compared with today. 

    Her characters are incredibly well developed and believable and as a result, I found myself deeply absorbed in their story and longing for everything to work out alright for all of them. 

   She takes you into a world of pain, hate, anger, fear and reminds us that no matter how much hatred  there is in the world, there are always pockets of kindness too.

    I loved this book from the very first page to the very last. And few books are able to effect me as deeply as this one did.  I would definitely be interested in reading more by this author in the future. 

    If you would like to check out the blurb or grab a copy for yourself, you can do so by clicking here, It's available in a whole host of formats, and if you have kindle unlimited, you can read this one for free. (Note this was the case at the posting of this blog post and may have change since) 

News in review.

 

So the biggest news of late, is Boris Johnson supposedly cancelling Christmas for, all those unlucky enough to be in Tier 4. Which happens to be an awful lot of my family. As the majority of those are Kent and a few in London too.

But first of all he hasn't really cancelled Christmas. Most of them can still have Christmas. They're just going to have to do it a bit differently this year. Really the only people it is cancelled for is though living alone. 

But people seem to be forgetting the true meaning of Christmas, it's above love, compassion, giving and understanding. 

Tier 4 has this new strain of Covid and it is really important that it is stopped from spreading. They are being asked to sacrifice, in order to save lives. 

And what was the response of a large percentage of the population. When asked to make this sacrifice. 

They fled. They packed their bags, ran for their cars, or train stations or bus stops and they did the exact thing they are being asked not to do. They fled to lower tiers, so they did not have to do what the government ask and instead will be doing exactly what the government didn't want.  They are spreading it all over the UK. 

So instead of containing it in one area and hopefully being able to stop it there, we will now have another nation wide pandemic on our hands and why. Because of selfish, spoiled people, who think they deserve to do whatever they want, no matter the consequences and there are some pretty massive consequences to this, because it can and will result in peoples deaths. 

But that's okay, as long as they get their Christmas. Who cares about anyone else or infecting the whole country. 

I think any transport companies that have allowed these people to travel should be fined. 

And anyone who left should be fined also. Because there are an awful lot of people who didn't. Who are still there, following the rules, and doing their bit and for nothing now, because all of the other selfish gits have made their sacrifice pointless. 

Now you might say oh well it's alright for you down in Cornwall, sitting pretty and having fun in Tier 1. But it isn't. 

Cornwall is one of the places where a lot of people from up there have second homes. After the last lockdown released we were swamped by holiday makers and we went from having hardly any cases, to cases popping up all over, especially very locally to me. 

As a result of that, I got locked down just as everyone else was getting out of the November Lockdown, because I have a compromised immune system due to the infusions. And the hospitals were and I guess still are worried about the sudden rise in infection. 

The reality is that some of us have no choice but to self isolate, because for us, getting Covid could mean the end. 

So please have some compassion, start doing what you are told, so we can get rid of this horrible disease sooner, rather than later and go back to having a life. 

love and hugs Joss xx .

My week in review.

 

This week instead of talking about me I wanna talk about my husband. When People are sick, very few people stop to think about the people who are caring for them.

For me that is Dan, my husband, one of the most amazing men on the planet. 

I honestly don't know how I got so lucky to have a guy like him, he is kind, caring, works his arse off to make sure me and Kye have everything we need and a few things we don't really need but really wanted. 

He's out everyday, rain or shine, working out in the cold, doing a very physically demanding job and has been for a good 16 years or so. 

And it's taken his toll, his knees are bad, his back gives him jip, but he just keeps on keeping on. And has to be practically dying to miss a day. 

He does so many nice things for me and I wish there was something really special that I could do for him in return. Sadly I don't have the means. Because I know one of his biggest worries at the moment, besides me. Is being able to afford a new 4x4, as ours just keep having more and more problems. 

But this is what gets me. Even thought money is already extremely tight, and he knows in order to get our car through it's next MOT he is going to have to do shit loads of work. 

He didn't even hesitate when he saw and electric wheelchair for sale, that was cheap, I mean not cheap like a tenner, but cheap for the kind of wheelchair that it is. 

And he was like message them and arrange for me to go see it. 

And why? So I can go into my infusions without having to have a nurse push my chair, and having  to have a nurse bring me out. So that I can take my time to get my stuff together after they take my canula out and make my own way out. And so that when we go out round shops I don't have to feel guilty, because Dan has to push me. 

What did I do to get a guy like this. 

And I have wondered, if there were companies that might help me get him a new 4x4, but I don't think even with our story this year that there are. I mean Crohn's isn't one of those disease that gets all the kudos like cancer.

Most people don't even know what it is or what it entails to stay well. 

I just wish there was a magic want I could wave and make something nice happen for him for a change. the way he so often does for me. 

But life doesn't work like that does it. 

So instead all I can do is sing his praises everyday and hope for a miracle. A nice lottery win or something good that can help take just a little of the stress off of him. 

Why does life have to be so tough. 

And of course there are an awful lot of people struggling this year, not just financially but mentally too. Thanks to this bloody covid. 

So know this is a safe place where you can talk if you need to. I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I can listen, try to offer a few words or comfort. Cause we all need that in life, a bit of compassion. 

So feel free to email me, or leave a comment. 

My email is jossie.marie@gmail.com. 

And I am here if you need me. 

love and hugs 

Joss xxx

Book thoughts: When I ran away by Ilona Bannister.

    

     Harry enters Gigi's life just as it's about to shatter, like the twin towers that have just been hit and are soon to fall. Fleeing from the devastation, only brief acquaintances, Gigi takes Harry to her home, to her brash mother and kind father, and comforts them all as they discover that Gigi's brother was in those towers and didn't make it out alive. 

    11 years later, a chance encounter brings Gigi and Harry together again and sparks instantly fly, but life is complicated. Gigi is raising someone else's child, and living in a run down apartment, struggling to make ends meet, while Harry is a wealthy business man with a pretty girlfriend, who makes Gigi look a right mess, but to Harry none of that matters. 

    Soon Gigi's whole life has changed, her and Johnny are moving to England, to live with Harry, who she married in a hurry and suddenly they have money, a beautiful home and another baby on the way, but is it enough? 

    This is a beautiful, raw, heart breaking, emotional rollercoaster of a book. That deals with the difficult subject of postnatal depressing in a way that is astounding. I heart bled for Gigi, as she flees her family and desperately tries to wrestle with her emotions. 

    How she deals with the people around her and their responses and expectancies of her as a mother, their judgements and attempts to prove their own worth as mothers. It shows how often, instead of lifting each other up as women should, we often shoot each other down in order to justify our own choices and actions. 

    This book is deep, raw and for anyone who has suffered any kind of depression, PTSD or Anxiety, it is incredibly enlightening. Because it shows that you are not alone, that others feel this way too, and that life is tough. 

    Ilona has an amazing talent with words and it is as if she has cracked open the thought patterns of those struggling in this life and emptied them out onto the page in a beautiful way, that will make you cry, cringe, laugh and long for her characters and connect you to the story in away that other books cannot. 

    I cannot recommend this book enough, especially for any of you out there who have struggled, whether mothers or not. And I also recommend it for everyone else too. So they can be enlightened as to the struggles others face with their mental health. Something everyone needs to learn more about, so that the world can become a more compassionate place. 

    As always a bit thank you to NetGalley, Ilona Bannister and her publishers for allowing me to read this one for free in exchange for an honest review. 

    If you are interested in reading the blurb or pre-order a copy for yourself you can do so buy clicking here. The release date for this one is the 4th of March 2021 and it is definitely worth the wait. It's available as a paperback, hard back, ebook and audio book, so what ever your preference they have it. 

love and hugs all 

Joss xx 

My week in review.

    It's been another week in lockdown, other than taking the dogs out and popping down to pick up some bread off Dan, as he was working in the village this week, we have been stuck in doors. 

    But it's been tougher than normal. I don't seem to be able to settle to anything and just keep jumping from one activity to the next, feeling like I should be forcing myself to do stuff, but unable to actually do so. 

    I've had low periods before, but always been able to shake them after a day or two, but this is different I can't shift it and I'm starting to think I may have depression and I hate it. 

    It's been like this ever since the Gastro doctor told me that I would probably have to be on Chemo for the rest of my life and that even if I had the surgery, I would have to stay on the Chemo. And not just the one chemo drug either, oh no, they were adding in another as well. 

    It's so stupid, why am I getting low about it, I can't change it, this is my life now for the rest of my life. I have to accept it and embrace it. And learn to live with it. And that's something I am normally good at doing so why the hell can I not do it now? 

    I feel like a failure, like I am letting my family down, because I am not doing what I always do. Smiling and powering through, looking for the silver lining and doing the oh so British thing of keeping calm and carrying on. 

    I mean I've never been great at the keeping calm bit, I've battled anxiety for years, but I had the carrying on part down pat until now. 

    

    Physical health wise at the moment, I am not doing to bad. My nose is full of sores and very painful and likes to randomly bleed throughout the day, and where my fistula in my abdomen is I keep getting some weird almost like cramping or twisting feelings, but they don't last long. I normally just have to adjust my position slightly and it goes away. Even my hair seems to be coming out a little bit less. Except when I have a shower, then for some reason I get a lot come out. The headaches/migraines seem to have stopped too, which is nice. But I'm just so tired and have no energy all the time, but I think maybe that's the depression more than the Crohn's though I can't be completely sure. 

    My tummy is pretty noisy and I spend an awful lot of time going to the toilet to find, all that's coming out is some of the loudest and longest farts you have ever heard. Dan always says, "You don't have to go to the bathroom every time you need to fart." But I can't help it, I've always been so self conscious about farting. And it's not like even when I go to the bathroom they can't hear it, we live in a bungalow, and the bathrooms not that far from the living room, it's just that it feel like the polite thing to do. Especially as some of them right now, stink to high heaven. It's likes something crawled up their and died. 

 

    Kye's doing better though. He's been getting on with his school work well and all of it too. The forensic psychology, that we are both doing together, as well as his touch typing course and creative writing course, which he just started this week, although I've yet to go through and mark his work for the creative writing course. 

    We've watched some films together too. The new Santa's chronical, one I forget the name of, with dogs and robots, and a place called robot city or something, Adam's family and Hotel Transylvania 3, Kye loves those Hotel Transylvania movies. 

    As you've probably noticed if you read my blog regularly, I've not been getting as many books read as normal either. I just can't seem to stay focused on them at the moment. Which makes all this even harder, because normally books are my escape. 

    So yeah, that it really, sorry the week in review posts are all so dole and blah at the moment, but with me still being locked down, even though most people in Cornwall are currently getting to enjoy tier 1, and feeling pretty blah myself right now, it can't be helped.

    

    I hope you are all doing well though and fingers crossed I'll be able to pull myself out of this and back to normal before too much longer. 

Love and hugs all and remember to stay healthy, because trust me the alternative sucks! 

    

 

Book thoughts: The stranger times by C.K. McDonnell.

 

When Hannah finds herself almost penniless in Manchester, and in desperate need of a job, she unwittingly finds herself thrust into the crazy world of the strangers times newspaper. Her new boss an eccentric and incredibly moody Irish man, quickly has her doubting her choices. But desperate times call for desperate measures and at this point, what has she got to lose. 

This book is full of vivid and exciting characters and will keep you laughing from the very first page, to the very last. 

McDonnell is a talented writer, who has a knack for keeping you intrigued, and a very unique and wonderful writing style. 

I've not come across his books before but would certainly be interested in reading more of his books in the future. 

As always a big thank you to NetGalley, C.K. McDonnell and his publisher, for allowing me to read an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review. 

If you would like to know more you can read the blurb and pre-order a copy of your  very own by clicking here. This book will be released on January 14th 2021. And is currently available in ebook, audio and hardback formats. 

Let's talk about Crohn's disease.

 

As some of you already know I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease earlier this year. It's been a bit of a whirlwind year, what with Covid and Crohn's, but although I have only just been diagnosed with Crohn's. My IBD team now believe I have had it since I was a child. 

So what it Crohn's, Crohn's is an irritable bowel disease also know as IBD. Unlike it's sister disease Ulcerated Colitis, which can effect the large intestines, Crohn's can infect the whole digestive tracked. From your mouth, all the way down to your butt. 

Crohn's is caused by what is effectively a faulty immune system. Our immune system is designed to protect our bodies from threats. However, for those of us with Crohn's, our immune systems have got a bit confused. Instead of attacking threats in our bodies, they have started to attack healthy tissue. 

This can lead to inflammation, fistula's and strictures among other things. 

My Crohn's is very severe. Probably due to it not being diagnosed earlier enough. So I have what they call Severe fistulated Crohn's. 

This means that as well as inflammation I have holes in my intestines. One of which goes up into my abdomen. 

My Crohn's needs some pretty serious medicine to keep it in check. And that is all they can currently do with Crohn's, try to manage it with medication, as there is currently no cure. 

There are lots of different medications for Crohn's from tablets, through to injections that you can administer yourself at home, and regular infusions. I have infusions, and I have these every eight weeks, at the hospital. 

An infusion is done, by inserting a canula and slowly over a couple of hours or so, pumping the medication into your system. 

I am currently having Infliximab infusions at very high doses. Infliximab is a chemo drug. But is no longer used to treat Cancer. Us lucky Crohnies still get to have it though. 

My Gastro doctor, also wants to add in a second Chemo drug, although this will be in much lower doses and I will take it daily in tablet form. This second drug is to try to stop my body developing antibodies that will stop the infliximab from working. Which it has already started to do. 

The infusions are relatively painless, but you can have a lot of unpleasant side effects. Including hair loss, tiredness, nausea, rashes, chemical burns, dizziness and seizures, to name just a few. 

I also have to wear a medical alert bracelet, so that if anything every happens and an ambulance is called, they can see what medication I am on, and know that I have a compromised immune system. 

Because that is what the infliximab does, it stops the immune system working properly, so that it can no longer attack your body. But this means that you are at a greater risk of catching bugs and not being able to fight off infection. 

Which means, we have to be very careful not to be around people who are sick, and to keep wounds clean. We also qualify for the Flu jab, every year. 

Another option for managing Crohn's is surgery and a lot of people with Crohn's have had multiple surgeries. Some as many as 60 or 70 operations. This can't cure the Crohn's, but as my gastro doctor explained to me just the other day, it can remove the infected and thinned areas, and repair fistula's which then give them a clean slate to work from, when it comes to medication. Sadly, though this does not mean that you can come off the Chemo. 

Some people do only have the infusions for a few years, and then go onto other medication. But for some, such as myself, their Crohn's is seen as too severe, and so that means, we will probably have to have Chemo, every 8 weeks for the rest of our life. 

When you first start having infusions, they will be space closer together, these are know as the loading doses. They are done at what is know as week 0, week 2 and week 6. So that essentially means you will have your first one, then two weeks later your second, then six weeks later your 3 and then the 4 and all following ones, every 8 weeks. 

There is one thing you learn quickly with Crohn's, however, and that is there are no set rules, everyone's Crohn's is different and so treatment and frequency of treatments can vary. 

Now this is where it gets tricky. What are the symptoms of Crohn's? Well, it effects everyone differently. But stomach pain, diarrhea, constipation, weight loss, anemia and a general lack of energy are some of the more common symptoms. 

People with Crohn's, also very rarely have just crohn's. It can cause all kinds of other health problems, including inflammatory arthritis, Ankylosing Spondylitis, Anemia, skin disorders, osteoporosis, gall bladder or liver disease, mouth and gum problems, and many more. 

It is rare for people to die from Crohn's itself but they can die due to problems caused by Crohn's or the medication used to treat Crohn's and they can also die from other diseases that have been caused by the Crohn's. 

So what has Crohn's done to me? 

I have very limited mobility due to Crohn's, as I developed an illness that is connected to Crohn's called Ankylosing Spondylitis, this is inflammation around the lower spine and can lead to the spine fusing together over time. 

I have receding gums and very few teeth left at the top of my mouth, only two molars either side, and all of the teeth on the bottom of my mouth are very loose and may overtime come out on their own. I have already had one do this. 

I suffered from anxiety disorder for years although I am starting to get a handle on this now. Stomach problems that were misdiagnosed as IBS, Irritable bowel syndrome. Inflammatory arthritis, nerve damage that can cause me to suddenly twinge and throw things or let go of the things I am holding, and cause my hands to shake. Once my leg decided to twinge just as I was lifting up the other leg to take a step and I went crashing to the floor. 

I've suffered from anaemia for years and looks like the walking dead, my son and husband used to joke that I was a vampire. I cannot deal with extreme temperatures either too hot or too cold, and I can feel freezing cold when it is boiling hot, or boiling hot when it is freezing cold, which is great fun. NOT! 

I also have insomnia frequently get sores and rashes all over my body, my hair is falling out, my mouth, nose and throat and tear ducts are infected, and I have lots of canker sores in my mouth which means eating can be quite painful. 

And something really gross. The skin on my tongue frequently peels off in great big strips. Lovely right. 

In essence Crohn's is a horrible disease and if they are every going to find a cure, they are going to need people to donate. But sadly Crohn's isn't as well known or understood as say, cancer or heart disease, so it gets a bit neglected.  

So if you would like a worthy cause to raise money for why not consider crohn's and colitus uk.

Well that's it from me, but if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

And remember to stay healthy, cause the alternative sucks. 

Book thoughts: Silent night by Nell Pattison.

    Paige Northwood, works as a freelance sign language interpreter. Having learned to sign as a child in order to communicate with her deaf family, Paige loves her work, but when she finds herself interpreting for the police, in the investigation of a missing deaf boy, and a murdered head teacher, she finds herself buried in a silent web of lies, deception and deceit so deep, she isn't sure they can ever get to the bottom of it. But with a child's life at stake, and the potential for more children to be harmed, Paige knows that the truth must be pulled from the silence. 

    This is a gripping read, with an interesting take on your typical crime/mystery/thriller book. Paige is an engaging and intriguing character who is easy to like, and relate to. She cares deeply and try's not to jump to conclusions. Their are a lot of different characters in this book though and that sometimes made it hard for me to keep track and I often muddled them up. Although with my Crohn's disease turning my brain to mush, it's not that hard for me to get muddled.

     There was some clever misdirection in play with this book, which meant I was pretty much left guessing till the very end. Which is always a good thing in these types of book. 

    And despite my struggled to keep the characters all straight in my head, I did really enjoy this one, and am very grateful to NetGalley, Nell Pattison and her publisher, for allowing me to read a copy of this great book, for free in return for and honest review. It has been an absolute pleasure. 

    If you interested in reading the blurb or getting your own copy of this great book, you can do so by Clicking here. It's currently available  as a paperback, eBook and audio book. And at the time of publishing was on offer, in Kindle format for just 99p so if you want a kind copy, go grab yours quick. 

Week in review

    It's been a tough week, I spoke to my specialist on Monday, and didn't exactly get the news I was hoping for. I mean it was nothing majorly bad. Just, I guess, the straw that broke the camels back I guess. 

    So basically, my body is already building up antibodies to the infliximab so they want to add in a second chemo drug to counteract that. Which given all the horrible side effects I am currently having from the one they already have me on, pretty much broke me. I couldn't sleep that night and only managed to grab a couple of hours in the early morning after having a good cry. 

    He also talked about surgery, it wouldn't be a cure, as there is no cure for Crohn's but he said if they remove the infected area and the area with the stricter and sort out the fistula's we could at least be starting with a clean slate, and it would make it easier for the drugs to do their job. 

    But here was the real kicker of the whole conversation. He said, that he thought I would need to stay on Chemo for the rest of my life!

    And I'm not gonna lie, that hurt. I always had this belief that given time, or surgery my Crohn's would settle down and I could stop having the infusions. But apparently my Crohn's is to severe for that to be likely. 

    Now, I've managed to stay pretty positive throughout this, but there are times when it is just impossible to keep smiling and joking and this was one of mine. I felt terrible and I have spent most of the week feeling pretty low. And just not really having the energy to do anything. 

    I've forced myself to though, in fact Kye and I have got caught up on our forensic psychology course this week, as we started it like two weeks late, as that was when I discovered it and I've force myself to get other things done, because you have to don't you, but I've felt so low. 

    And then couple of days ago, I got a letter from my head IBD nurse, telling me I had to self isolate. So while the rest of Cornwall are laughing it up in tier one, I'm still in frigging lock down. I mean it doesn't make a huge difference as we don't go out a lot anyway, but I'd been craving a trip to B&M and was looking forward to December starting, so I could and then this. Grrrrr. 

    I know, I know it's for my own good, and it's not safe to be running about out there with a compromised immune system, but still, it sucks!

    Still I guess it makes the whole Christmas thing easier, as poor mum was gonna have to choose, between her 3 daughters and each of our families, as to which to have in her bubble, as you only allowed 2 other households, so now I'm not an option anyway, she can see my two sisters and their kids without feeling guilty about leaving me out and I can pretend, that I would have been one of her choices, even though we all know I wouldn't. Not unless she just broke the rules and saw all three of us anyway. 

    And no I am not having a pity party about that, trust me, when it comes to our family, I am the black sheep and have been for a very long time, but it's a long story so I shall spare you the details. 

    But to give you an idea of our family dynamic, I have, had more facebook friends ask if I am okay and message me to see how I am doing, than I have brothers or sister and bare in mind I have eight brothers and sisters. And only one of them has commented about my condition and that isn't messaging to ask how I am doing, that's literally just commenting on facebook posts. 

    Thankfully, I have a lot of awesome friends, so it doesn't really matter, but still, it stings a bit. Especially right now when I am feeling so low. 

    Any who, that's pretty much me this week, a self pitying, miserable, tearful person, I hope your week has been better. 

    Love and hugs 

    Joss xx