Last night; however, I hit a real low and I did something that I haven't done for, I dunno, eight or nine years now. I cut myself.
Self harm was something I used to struggled with really badly, it was a release, a way to feel human, to feel something solid in the periods of my life where I was struggling to make sense of the mad rush of emotions that were bombarding me.
I let myself down, my husbands and my friends last night, by allowing myself to reach the point where I needed that again and by not being strong enough to push through it without the release that self harm brings.
I just feel lost right now and I am not sure what to do or where to go from here. I feel like a terrible person for ousting BOB from my life when his depression is so bad. I feel like I have let him down, but I wasn't strong enough to cope with what he was doing to me and his other friends. To cope with watching him destroy his life.
I know he believes that by doing the things he is doing he is finding himself, but he is not. It is just another way for him to hide and I know if he continues to hide, he'll never truly find himself.
I hate letting people down. I hate letting him down, but I don't know how to help him and I am not sure anyone can. I think he needs to figure it out for himself and I can't stand there and watch him destroy himself, because it has been destroying me in the process.
Well this song song by Cher, pretty much says more than I can right now. So I am going to let her put into words what I am struggling to express.
Thanks for reading
love and hugs Joss xx