IWSG post.

I haven't done one of these posts for a long time, but figured what with it being a New year, I needed to get back into some good habits when it comes to my blogging.

So, how am I feeling at the moment about my writing? Well, if I'm honest, overwhelmed is probably the best word.

Since I started home educating my son last year, my writing has really taken a hit. Trying to find the time to sit and work, on top of lesson planning and 24/7 with my son has been a real struggle and often when I get to the point of actually working on my current WIP, I am so exhausted that I worry what is actually going down on paper is just pure drivel.

For this reason, I have tried to keep it simple by setting myself a really simple goal of just getting 6,000 words done a week. I figure that by keeping it simple, I won't feel too overwhelmed and will actually achieve a higher word count because of this.

When my son first started school a fair few years back, I really felt that my writing career could finally take off and I guess in a way it did. I mean, I finished Insane Reno and got it published which was an amazing and incredibly exciting experience, but having to pull my son back out of school, because of his behaviour and the fact that he was getting more and more behind in his education in that environment, has pretty much reverted me back to where I was, when he was a toddler. Only then having my son around all the time was nothing but joy.

I love my son to pieces, but I sometimes do feel resentful for his poor behaviour and the fact that my time is now spent constantly trying to coax him into learning. Each day is a battle of wills and good days are often few and far between.

The thing is, I choose to be a mother and sometimes that means you have to do things you'd rather not. Like pushing your career to the back burner.

We are currently in the process of trying to work out what exactly is going on with my son. We're pretty sure he is on the autistic spectrum and so I am hoping with a diagnosis we may find ways to work with him that will make things a little easier.

Currently, most of my days are spent trying to figure out ways to get him interested in learning, whilst trying to develop lesson plans that  are simple and easy for him to do, yet at the same time ensuring that he is actually learning what he ought to be. This isn't easy, especially when dealing with his constant outburst, which can see him lashing out at me both physically and verbally.

In essence, I am just exhausted. I feel like a failure not only as a writer but as a mother and I also feel incredibly alone.

So that's me, I'm afraid it's not a very positive post this time, but it's my reality right now, so what can I do.

love and hugs all
Joss xx

dreaming of publication yet petrified.

I know strange title but I am totally and utterly petrified, which I am sure is not a good thing to be when it comes to publication.

I know that this has to be the next step and that in the past I have gotten to the end of a novel panicked about this next step and all it entails and told myself, that I do not need to be published that it does not matter and then gone onto the next step.

But the truth is it does matter, I long to be published, to be a real author, ok so I have had some short stories published, but to have a whole novel published, that would just be the ultimate.

Yet I am so scared of all that that entails. I am not a confident person. Have never been good at standing up in a crowd and speaking, I am to self conscious for that, and here I am faced with another novel to put forward, so many people believing in me, so many people saying they know I can do this, while I quiver with fear.

I want this so badly, it’s all I have dreamed about since I was little, but it petrifies me all at the same time.

No matter how many of my writing tutors tell me how good my writing is, no matter how many people say that they love my writing, I am still afraid that it is not good enough, I know undoubtedly there will be rejections lots and lots of rejections, and I can handle rejection, but success, someone actually wanting my work, now that to me is so amazing, so brilliant, so shocking, so scary, so petrifying.

Yet I have no idea why, I guess a part of me always felt that my dream would never amount to anything and who knows maybe it won’t, I guess only time will tell, so yes, I am longing for publication, but at the same time, I am absolutely petrified at the thought of it.

Love and hugs Jossie xxx

Journalling

I have become a huge fan of Journalling, something that until the end of last year, was an ability I had been unable to grasp.
I love writing, have since I was quite young, and refused to let anything hold me back, even being told I was dislexic didn't stop me.
WOW!!!! I wish I still had that kind of motivation now.
See the thing is I have taken a lot of knocks and blows in my life, and been left feeling less than perfect.
So much so, that I had started to believe that it was better not to try, and thus never fail, than it was to give things everything I had.
You see I had the idea that as people already seemd to be of the oppinion that what ever I tried I would fail at, it was easier, to just not try, at least that way I couldn't hear I told you so.
Ok so reality check, they were proberly still saying that anyway.
Recently my confidence was boosted when I won the Mibit compatition, and got two short stories published in magazines.
Oh my god, I never cried so hard, and I don't think I have ever experieced shock like that, I truely believed that my Mibit would simply be cast to the trash can, so when I saw the email that said, I Jossie Marie Solheim had won, my heart nearly stopped.
And the tears were unleashed, and for the first time in a long time, I wanted to call my family members, I wanted to tell them what I had achieved.
I think, that was when I realised just how badly my family had distroyed my faith in myself.
How other people had destroyed my faith in myself.
I needed that win more than I had ever needed anything in my life, and it really boasted my confidence, so much so that I went on to send out two short stories, both of which were accepted straight away.
I hadn't sent much out in my life in an attempt to get accepted and certainly not for a long time, and so to have a win in the Mibit and then both of my short storys accepted, was a real boost, and encouraged me to dive into my Novel once more, and so Insane Reno grew and grew, it all just seemed to be moving so fast, and then the panic set in.
I had started to doubt myself again, I could see Insane Reno nearing compleation and I was getting scared of failure again, and so I stopped dead in my tracts.
refused to touch it, refused to look at it, certain that it was terrible.
I'm picking it up again now, slowly, the break helped in a sense, because having a break from it, and coming back to it again, made me realise that actually it really wasn't that bad at all, and dare I say it, pretty good.
Ok, honesty time, I'm really not a fan of tooting my own horn to strangers lol, but I was reading and I was thinking, wow, I wrote this.
It's so silly because I know I can write, I have been told that time and time again, by my tutors from the Writers (oh blah, and can not spell that word, lol. I'll just guess at it and hope you figure it out) buero, from people in writers groups, and so on and so fourth.
And I have sent out five things, (I know thats bad) and only had 1 rejection, (not so bad) lol.
That has to say something right.
So I've started working on the final draft of Insane Reno, and it really doesn't need much work, but I really do have to push through that fear of failure, after all, if I fail because I gave up, and didn't try, I'm only hurting myself.
So, tomorrow I will be working on cleaning up chapter 11.
I'm gonna set myself an easy target, aim for tiding up, just the one chapter, and anything else is a bonus.
Oh, I should probably add, that I will be trying other methords to keep me going, and if anyone who reads this plays secondlife, then I would be greatfull for your help with this part.
I have opened in world a small writers Cafe called, Jumpin' Jitters writers cafe, I don't know if you'd be able to find it easily in world, as I only finished setting it up today.
But if you search for my avatar jossie Tyrellium, in search and look at my profile picks there is a link to it there.
Ok, I should probably tell you how you can help, Well, quite simply come along, and write with me, I don't mean Insane Reno, but work on your own novels, your own creative pieces, or poems, I've tried to put stuff out to help inspire.
And even if your not a writer, there is an area set up for chatting and sipping virtual coffee and a reading area, where you can click for a selection of classic story's.
We also have a picture prompt each day for poetry, so there's lots to see and do.
And I love to see you :)
Plus, I've found it really does help get me in the writing mood when I see other people hard at it.
So come along, share some ideas, and meet me in world.
thanks for reading
love and hugs
Joss xxx