Saturday, 26 March 2011

dreaming of publication yet petrified.

I know strange title but I am totally and utterly petrified, which I am sure is not a good thing to be when it comes to publication.

I know that this has to be the next step and that in the past I have gotten to the end of a novel panicked about this next step and all it entails and told myself, that I do not need to be published that it does not matter and then gone onto the next step.

But the truth is it does matter, I long to be published, to be a real author, ok so I have had some short stories published, but to have a whole novel published, that would just be the ultimate.

Yet I am so scared of all that that entails. I am not a confident person. Have never been good at standing up in a crowd and speaking, I am to self conscious for that, and here I am faced with another novel to put forward, so many people believing in me, so many people saying they know I can do this, while I quiver with fear.

I want this so badly, it’s all I have dreamed about since I was little, but it petrifies me all at the same time.

No matter how many of my writing tutors tell me how good my writing is, no matter how many people say that they love my writing, I am still afraid that it is not good enough, I know undoubtedly there will be rejections lots and lots of rejections, and I can handle rejection, but success, someone actually wanting my work, now that to me is so amazing, so brilliant, so shocking, so scary, so petrifying.

Yet I have no idea why, I guess a part of me always felt that my dream would never amount to anything and who knows maybe it won’t, I guess only time will tell, so yes, I am longing for publication, but at the same time, I am absolutely petrified at the thought of it.

Love and hugs Jossie xxx

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