Now I have been working really, really hard to overcome my anxiety disorder, but this just seem like a step way to far for me.
There will be loads of people there I haven't seen for years, not since I was a teenager, and who have certainly not seen me in the flesh, since way before, I gained all my weight and ended up in a frigging wheelchair.
The though of going to her wedding, in my wheelchair, is making my anxiety go through the roof.
Heart palpitations anyone?
I don't want to ruin her day, but I honestly don't know if I can cope with a day that essentially throws all of my biggest fears at me, all at once.
I have considered every possible way round it from...
Dosing up on pain meds and trying to use only my crutches. (Which I know will work for all of 5 seconds before I am a ca lapsed heap on the floor.)
To
Suddenly becoming a devout Muslim so I can wear a burka.
I also tried to convince Sammy, to pretend to be me for the day, (free food and drink right!) but she didn't think that would work. I guess it probably wouldn't help that a fair few of those attending A) know Sam, and B) saw me recently enough to know there's and obvious size difference.
So what do I do? Do I force myself to go and end up an emotional, wreck, sitting outside, unable to go in, became I'm having the mother of all Anxiety attacks which I can pretty much guarantee you, will be the case, or do I not go and feel like a horrible person, whose really let my sister down.
I really don't know what to do peeps, so I'm calling on all you lovelies out there in blog land for advice.
So in the words of the beetles...
Alternatively you, you could all just harass Sammy Bell into submission. Well it was worth a try.
Love and hugs all
Joss xx
You need to go. You need to go for your sister. We only go around this big ol' world once. Don't live with regret. You don't need to overcome your anxiety. Just show it who's boss for a few hours. Find a way to cope. Breathing exercises. Small sips of water. Stress ball in your hand. You can do it. Enjoy and embrace the day. Enjoy the happiness. Enjoy your sister's smile. If anyone asks about the chair say, "This thing? It's just temporary. How are you?" You can do it. I hope you know, I'm by no means dismissing your fears. I just know if you are reaching out and asking for help, that you know you can make it happen for one day. I'm sending positive vibes in your direction.
ReplyDeleteHeather
What I would do is go a day early and spend it with your sister. Help her pick a wardrobe for her honeymoon or take a long lunch to talk about the old days.
ReplyDeleteIf you stay for the wedding, stay in the back of the room so you can leave before everyone rushes out.
Your sister will understand. All she wants is her family to share her happiness.
After much deliberation and discussion with family and friend I have decided I will not be attending the wedding, it is just more than I can bare right now with my Anxiety Disorder. Thanks to everyone who commented, I really appreciate it. I would love to be there, but as I said at this point in time, I just cannot push past my anxiety and am having panic attacks just at the thought of going. So there is no way I could cope on the day. Sometimes anxiety disorder really sucks
ReplyDeleteAsk your sister what would make her day more worse, to have you not go or to have you go and have a massive anxiety attack.
ReplyDeleteOh, wait, never mind. You already decided.
DeleteMy mum spoke to my sister who is getting married, yesterday after I posted this and my sister said that she understood why I was struggling over going and that she was okay and understood. That took the huge pressure I was feeling off and made it easier for me to make a decision. I really appreciate your comment Andrew, as it helps me to feel I have made the right choice, because that has been my biggest worry, ruining her day, because I couldn't control my anxiety.
DeleteThat and that I will undo some of the hard work I have done improving my anxiety so far.